Mythe : On peut arriver, avec beaucoup d’amour, à changer les comportements violents de son amoureux.

Réalité : La seule personne qui peut changer ses comportements violents, c’est la personne elle-même. Malgré toute notre volonté et tout notre amour, nous ne pouvons faire de changements à la place de l’autre.

Mythe : Les femmes violentées courent après, elles provoquent leur conjoint. Elles sont responsables de leur situation.

Réalité : Les femmes victimes de violences restent avec leur conjoint car elles l’aiment, croient qu’il va changer et elles ont peur. Elles sont prises dans le cycle de la violence.

Mythe : La violence dans les relations amoureuses est due à une perte totale de contrôle.

Réalité : La violence dans les relations amoureuses est due à l’envie d’un partenaire d’imposer son pouvoir et de contrôler sa partenaire. C’est donc une PRISE de contrôle.

Mythe : Seule la violence physique est de la vraie violence, le reste, ce sont des chicanes.

Réalité : La violence conjugale comporte 5 formes, soit la violence physique, psychologique, verbale, économique et sexuelle. Les différentes formes peuvent toutes être présentes dans une relation, ou seulement quelques-unes.

Mythe : Une personne est violente parce qu’elle boit de l’alcool ou parce qu’elle consomme de la drogue.

Réalité : Rien ne peut justifier les comportements violents d’une personne. La violence est un choix que la personne fait. En comparaison, devenez-vous violente quand vous prenez un verre ?

Mythe : Les victimes ne parlent pas de ce qu’elles vivent parce qu’elles se sentent bien dans leur relation.

Réalité : Les victimes peuvent rester dans le silence longtemps parce qu’elles ressentent de la honte, de la peur et de la culpabilité. Elles peuvent aussi vouloir chercher à protéger leur partenaire, puisqu’elles l’aiment et ont l’espoir qu’il change.

Mythe : La violence sexuelle se produit, la majorité du temps, par un agresseur qui nous est inconnu ou peu connu.

Réalité : 8 fois sur 10, l’agresseur est connu de la victime, cette proportion étant plus élevée pour les jeunes de moins de 18 ans (85%) que pour les adultes (68%). 39% des agressions sexuelles sont commises dans un domicile que la victime partage avec l’agresseur, 16% au domicile de la victime, 22% au domicile de l’agresseur, 6.3% dans un lieu public ou à l’école, 4% au travail et 1.4% dans les transports. Référence : https://www.inspq.qc.ca/agression-sexuelle/statistiques

Mythe : Si je ne dis pas clairement non pour une relation sexuelle, c’est normal que l’autre ne sache pas que je ne voulais pas. Ce n’est donc pas une agression.

Réalité : L’absence d’un «non» n’équivaut pas à un «oui». Le Code criminel canadien stipule que, pour qu’il y ait consentement, la personne doit manifester son accord par des paroles ou des gestes. En ce sens, «l’absence de résistance n’équivaut pas à un consentement». De plus, le consentement est un accord qui se doit d’être volontaire, libre et éclairé. Or, dans plusieurs cas d’agression sexuelle, la victime peut être contrainte par la peur de subir des représailles, de briser la famille, de subir de la violence physique, de mourir, etc. Une victime peut également se trouver dans un contexte qui l’empêche de consentir.

Mythe : La violence conjugale c’est quelque chose de privé, qui regarde uniquement les 2 partenaires du couple.

Réalité : La violence conjugale est une problématique sociale qui entraîne de nombreuses conséquences sur la santé publique. Elle prend racine dans les rapports inégalitaires entre les hommes et les femmes. La promotion de l’égalité comme valeur fondamentale est donc primordiale.

Domestic violence

Domestic violence is:

A takeover, exercised by a spouse, in a couple, with the aim of dominating his partner and imposing his power over her.

Taking control can manifest itself through different means or different strategies, used by the aggressor.

Violence can be experienced in a romantic, friendly, family relationship or after a separation from a couple.

Cycle and forms of violence

Domestic violence is exercised by a spouse who takes control over his partner by using different means. This control is part of a cycle with 4 stages, which is repeated again and again.

Tension

The climate of tension is the moment when you know that things are likely to go wrong. You try to do everything to please, to avoid aggression. You feel like you are walking on eggshells. In the victim, this step creates anxiety, you may feel like you have a lump in your stomach, but you don't know how to explain it to yourself.

Assault

Aggression comes in one of the 5 forms of violence (Physical, economic, verbal, sexual and psychological). It can trigger anger, a feeling of outrage, shame, pain, the feeling of being humiliated by her partner.

Justification

To relieve himself of responsibility, the aggressor will explain his violent behavior by blaming his environment or the victim responsible. For as examples, you're too sensitive, he drank too much, that's what he's always experienced, his father beat him, it's you who misunderstood, you're making up stories, you're not a good mother, etc.

Honeymoon

This is the moment when things are going well, when the tensions seems to disappear. You find the one you fell in love with, it's like when you started, he's kind, attentionate, promises you beautiful things, changes. Hope returns, you really hope that he will change and keep his promises.

Forms of violence

Physical

Punching or kicking, hitting, slapping, shoving, choking, cornering, throwing or destroying objects, spitting, making death threats.

Verbal

Yelling, shouting, swearing at each other, insulting, saying mean/hurtful things, making threats, giving orders, cyberbullying, criticizing anything the other says or does.

Psychological

Possessive jealousy, sulking with the aim of punishing, rejecting, isolating friends or family, contemptuous attitudes or remarks, ignoring, harassment, threatening looks or gestures, being under tension, blackmail.

Economic

Preventing or forcing work, stealing money, forcing debts, controlling expenses, threatening to be deprived of money or property, leading the other into debt, criticizing purchases in order to control , to borrow money with no intention of returning it.

Sexual

Obscene remarks, sulking or exerting pressure in order to obtain sexual favours, abstinence (in order to punish), fondling, aggression, forced sexual relations, rape, forcing the other to use pornographic material (in an unhealthy way or with pressure), body bashing, forcing the other to have sex with another person for money or otherwise.

Differences between domestic violence and marital dispute

What is a couple fight?

Two partners who argue and who want their opinion to prevail over that of the other.

May include anger and aggression, but no violent gestures.

Neither partner fears the other, nor the consequences by expressing their point of view, each feels free to do so.

It's not always the same person who starts the fight, sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other.

What about in a domestic violence relationship?

The goal is to dominate the other, the different forms of violence are used in this sense.

The aggressor wants to subjugate his victim, not win a disagreement.

The victim will not feel free of his reactions, since he will fear the consequences that could follow.

It's always the same partner who attacks, and the same one who is the victim, no matter the situation.

Post-separation violence

Ending an abusive relationship doesn't always mean ending the abuse, unfortunately. The breakup (or its announcement) can lead to an escalation of violence, since the aggressor feels that his victim is trying to regain power over his life.

The separation is often a critical moment where the aggressor will use multiple strategies, going from honeymoon to aggression very quickly, in order to regain control over his ex-partner. The violence can begin after the separation, be the same as during the relationship or increase in intensity following the separation.

Do you think you need help?

Your ex criticizes you for being a mother

You feel stressed because you never know what will trigger his anger

He threatens to call the DYP so that you lose the children

He accuses you of having a new lover

He texts you or calls you non-stop

He leaves you hateful, intimidating, threatening messages

He makes death threats

He makes you cry

He must have the last word

He pays nothing for children needs or child support

He accuses you of cheating on him

It blocks your access to the exit

He physically intimidates you

He makes you interrogate

He makes demeaning comments about your appearance

He threatens to publish photos (compromising or intimate) of you

You fear for yourself and your children

You are afraid during the exchange of children

If you have recognized in this list the reflection of certain lived situations and you feel sad, confused, worried or angry, it may be useful to remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Millions of other women are in the same situation, because violence is a social problem. Call us, we are here for you!

Myths and facts

Myth: You can manage, with a lot of love, to change the violent behavior of your lover.

Reality: The only ones who can change their violent behavior are the persons themselves. Despite all our will and all our love, we cannot make changes for the other.

Myth: Abused women run after, they provoke their partner. They are responsible for their situation.

Reality: Abused women stay with their partner because they love him, believe he will change and they are afraid. They are caught in the cycle of violence.

Myth: Violence in dating relationships is caused by a total loss of control.

Reality: Violence in romantic relationships is due to a partner's desire to impose their power and control their partner. It is therefore a TAKEOVER.

Myth: Only physical violence is real violence, the rest is bullshit.

Reality: Domestic violence has 5 forms: physical, psychological, verbal, economic and sexual violence. The different forms can all be present in a relationship, or only some of them.

Myth: A person is violent because they drink alcohol or use drugs.

Reality: Nothing can justify a person's violent behavior. Violence is a choice that the person makes. By comparison, do you get violent when you have a drink?

Myth: Victims don't talk about what they're going through because they feel good about their relationship.

Reality: Victims may remain silent for a long time because they feel shame, fear and guilt. They may also want to seek to protect their partner, since they love him and hope that he will change.

Myth: Sometimes it was the victim who attracted the attack.

Réalité : « As-tu vu comment elle était habillée ? Elle l’a un peu cherché ! », « Elle n’aurait jamais dû marcher seule si tard le soir », « Elle n’arrêtait pas de jouer à la séductrice avec lui, elle devait s’attendre à ce qu’il ait des attentes et s’impatiente » : Ce ne sont que quelques exemples des propos culpabilisants que l’on entend trop souvent au sein de la société. De telles affirmations font porter aux victimes un lourd fardeau qui ne leur appartient aucunement, tandis qu’elles déresponsabilisent l’agresseur.

Myth: Sexual violence occurs, most of the time, by an aggressor who is unknown or little known to us.

Reality: 8 times out of 10, the aggressor is known to the victim, this proportion being higher for young people under 18 (85%) than for adults (68%). 39% of sexual assaults are committed in a home that the victim shares with the aggressor, 16% at the victim's home, 22% at the home of the aggressor, 6.3% in a public place or at school, 4% at work and 1.4% in transport.

Reference : https://www.inspq.qc.ca/agression-sexuelle/statistiques

Myth: If I don't clearly say no to a sexual relationship, it's normal that the other person doesn't know that I didn't want to. So it's not an attack.

Reality: The absence of a “no” does not equal a “yes”. The Canadian Criminal Code stipulates that, for there to be consent, the person must express his agreement by words or gestures. In this sense, “the absence of resistance does not amount to consent”. In addition, consent is an agreement that must be voluntary, free and informed. However, in several cases of sexual violence, the victim may be constrained by fear of reprisals, family breakdown, physical violence, death, etc. A victim may also find themselves in a context that prevents them from consenting.

Myth: Domestic violence is something private, which concerns only the 2 partners of the couple.

Reality: Domestic violence is a social problem that has many consequences for public health. It is rooted in unequal relations between men and women. The promotion of equality as a fundamental value is therefore essential.

What can I do to help a victim of domestic violence?

Listen without judgment

Tell her we believe her and make it heartfelt

Normalize her feelings

Respect her rhythm, do not put pressure on her

Do not impose your vision of her situation on her, but rather bring her to realize it on her own (offer her leaflets, telephone line, online tests)

Lui faire sentir qu’on est présents pour elle, maintenir le lien avec elle même si l’agresseur veut l’isoler

Not confronting her spouse, it could put her in even more danger

CONTACT US 24/7: 450 346-1645

Domestic violence

Domestic violence