Mythe : On peut arriver, avec beaucoup d’amour, à changer les comportements violents de son amoureux.

Réalité : La seule personne qui peut changer ses comportements violents, c’est la personne elle-même. Malgré toute notre volonté et tout notre amour, nous ne pouvons faire de changements à la place de l’autre.

Mythe : Les femmes violentées courent après, elles provoquent leur conjoint. Elles sont responsables de leur situation.

Réalité : Les femmes victimes de violences restent avec leur conjoint car elles l’aiment, croient qu’il va changer et elles ont peur. Elles sont prises dans le cycle de la violence.

Mythe : La violence dans les relations amoureuses est due à une perte totale de contrôle.

Réalité : La violence dans les relations amoureuses est due à l’envie d’un partenaire d’imposer son pouvoir et de contrôler sa partenaire. C’est donc une PRISE de contrôle.

Mythe : Seule la violence physique est de la vraie violence, le reste, ce sont des chicanes.

Réalité : La violence conjugale comporte 5 formes, soit la violence physique, psychologique, verbale, économique et sexuelle. Les différentes formes peuvent toutes être présentes dans une relation, ou seulement quelques-unes.

Mythe : Une personne est violente parce qu’elle boit de l’alcool ou parce qu’elle consomme de la drogue.

Réalité : Rien ne peut justifier les comportements violents d’une personne. La violence est un choix que la personne fait. En comparaison, devenez-vous violente quand vous prenez un verre ?

Mythe : Les victimes ne parlent pas de ce qu’elles vivent parce qu’elles se sentent bien dans leur relation.

Réalité : Les victimes peuvent rester dans le silence longtemps parce qu’elles ressentent de la honte, de la peur et de la culpabilité. Elles peuvent aussi vouloir chercher à protéger leur partenaire, puisqu’elles l’aiment et ont l’espoir qu’il change.

Mythe : Il arrive que ce soit la victime qui ait attiré l’agression.

Réalité : « As-tu vu comment elle était habillée ? Elle l’a un peu cherché ! », « elle n’aurait jamais dû marcher seule si tard le soir », « elle n’arrêtait pas de jouer à la séductrice avec lui, elle devait s’attendre à ce qu’il ait des attentes et s’impatiente » : Ce ne sont que quelques exemples des propos culpabilisants que l’on entend trop souvent au sein de la société. De telles affirmations font porter aux victimes un lourd fardeau qui ne leur appartient aucunement, tandis qu’elles déresponsabilisent l’agresseur.

Mythe : La violence sexuelle se produit, la majorité du temps, par un agresseur qui nous est inconnu ou peu connu.

Réalité : 8 fois sur 10, l’agresseur est connu de la victime, cette proportion étant plus élevée pour les jeunes de moins de 18 ans (85%) que pour les adultes (68%). 39% des agressions sexuelles sont commises dans un domicile que la victime partage avec l’agresseur, 16% au domicile de la victime, 22% au domicile de l’agresseur, 6.3% dans un lieu public ou à l’école, 4% au travail et 1.4% dans les transports. Référence : https://www.inspq.qc.ca/agression-sexuelle/statistiques

Mythe : Si je ne dis pas clairement non pour une relation sexuelle, c’est normal que l’autre ne sache pas que je ne voulais pas. Ce n’est donc pas une agression.

Réalité : L’absence d’un «non» n’équivaut pas à un «oui». Le Code criminel canadien stipule que, pour qu’il y ait consentement, la personne doit manifester son accord par des paroles ou des gestes. En ce sens, «l’absence de résistance n’équivaut pas à un consentement». De plus, le consentement est un accord qui se doit d’être volontaire, libre et éclairé. Or, dans plusieurs cas d’agression sexuelle, la victime peut être contrainte par la peur de subir des représailles, de briser la famille, de subir de la violence physique, de mourir, etc. Une victime peut également se trouver dans un contexte qui l’empêche de consentir.

Mythe : La violence conjugale c’est quelque chose de privé, qui regarde uniquement les 2 partenaires du couple.

Réalité : La violence conjugale est une problématique sociale qui entraîne de nombreuses conséquences sur la santé publique. Elle prend racine dans les rapports inégalitaires entre les hommes et les femmes. La promotion de l’égalité comme valeur fondamentale est donc primordiale.

Domestic violence

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is a power grab exercised by a spouse or former spouse with the aim of dominating their partner and imposing their power on them. This domination can be manifested by physical gestures, but also by words, behaviours, threats or prohibitions aimed at isolating, intimidating or humiliating the person.

The aggressor uses different strategies to maintain his grip: manipulation, emotional blackmail, psychological, economic, sexual or physical violence. These tactics often settle in gradually, sometimes making the situation difficult to recognize at first.

Violence can occur in all types of relationships: romantic, friendly, family or even after a separation. It is never justified, and it is important to know that there are resources to support you.

Cycle de la violence

Spousal violence is exercised by a spouse who seeks to control their partner using various means.

This control is part of a repetitive cycle composed of four phases: tension, aggression, justification, and reconciliation (also called Honeymoon).

Although each incident may seem isolated, it is part of a repeated dynamic that allows the aggressor to strengthen his grip on his partner.

Tension

The climate of tension has gradually settled in the relationship, you regularly have the impression of walking on eggshells.A set of rules and restrictions have settled in the relationship, and you make sure to follow them to avoid stormy moments.

Assault

Aggression occurs under one of the 5 forms of violence (physical, economic, verbal, sexual and psychological). It is therefore not only about gestures, but also about repeated and intentional strategies and behaviors aimed at depriving you of your freedom. It is possible that you have within yourself a feeling of outrage, anger, shame, sorrow, the feeling of humiliation...

Justification

The perpetrator of violence tries to make you bear responsibility for his/her actions, his/her manifestations of control, whether it be on you, on the children or on external elements. For example, you are too sensitive, he had drunk too much, that’s what he has always experienced, his father beat him, it’s you who misunderstood, you make up stories, you’re not a good mother, etc.

Reconciliation (Honeymoon)

He tries to be forgiven; he sends you flowers, he is kind and caring, he promises beautiful things, he says he will change. Hope returns, you really hope he keeps his promises. It is the partner who decides when and how this reconciliation will happen. It is therefore also a form of manipulation to keep the victim in the relationship.

Forms of violence

Physical

Punching or kicking, hitting, slapping, shoving, choking, cornering, throwing or destroying objects, spitting, making death threats.

Verbal

Yelling, shouting, swearing at each other, insulting, saying mean/hurtful things, making threats, giving orders, cyberbullying, criticizing anything the other says or does.

Psychological

Possessive jealousy, sulking with the aim of punishing, rejecting, isolating friends or family, contemptuous attitudes or remarks, ignoring, harassment, threatening looks or gestures, being under tension, blackmail.

Economic

Preventing or forcing work, stealing money, forcing debts, controlling expenses, threatening to be deprived of money or property, leading the other into debt, criticizing purchases in order to control , to borrow money with no intention of returning it.

Sexual

Obscene remarks, sulking or exerting pressure in order to obtain sexual favours, abstinence (in order to punish), fondling, aggression, forced sexual relations, rape, forcing the other to use pornographic material (in an unhealthy way or with pressure), body bashing, forcing the other to have sex with another person for money or otherwise.

Coercive Control

Coercive control is a pattern of repeated behaviors found in virtually all cases of domestic violence.

These are deliberate strategies and actions gradually implemented by one partner with the aim of intimidating, humiliating, punishing, isolating, dominating, and restricting the other person's freedom.

It is therefore essential not to reduce domestic violence to physical acts, nor to perceive it as a series of isolated incidents that are unrelated to each other. Rather, it is a form of constant control, consisting of repetitive and oppressive behaviors, which, over time, can have very serious effects on the victim.

This can include imposing numerous rules to follow, surveillance using technology, threats, harassment, social isolation, sexual or economic abuse. Victims often feel trapped in an invisible cage and live in a constant state of alert.

When children are present, they too are affected by this oppressive atmosphere and may be subjected to the same constraints and pressures.

Examples of coercive control:

· Surveillance and interrogation

· Threats

· Sexual violence

· Cognitive diversion

· Economic violence

· Isolation

· Physical violence

· Reprimand

· Abuse via technology

· Humiliation

· Spiritual violence

· Harassment

To learn more about coercive control, please visit the platform: controlecoercitif.ca.

Distinguish between couple conflict and domestic violence

A couple conflict what is it?

Two partners who argue and who want their opinion to prevail over that of the other.

May include anger and aggression, but no violent gestures.

Neither partner fears the other, nor the consequences by expressing their point of view, each feels free to do so.

The person who initiated the conflict explains by saying that there is a dispute.

It's not always the same person who starts the fight, sometimes it's one, sometimes it's the other.

What about in a domestic violence relationship?

The goal is to dominate the other and the aggressor will intentionally use violence strategies and controlling behaviors repeatedly.

The aggressor wants to subjugate his victim, not win a disagreement.

The victim will not feel free of his reactions, since he will fear the consequences that could follow.

The aggressor justifies himself, looks for excuses.

It's always the same partner who attacks, and the same one who is the victim, no matter the situation.

Post-separation violence

Ending an abusive relationship doesn't always mean ending the abuse, unfortunately. The breakup (or its announcement) can lead to an escalation of violence, since the aggressor feels that his victim is trying to regain power over his life.

The separation is often a critical moment where the aggressor will use multiple strategies, going from honeymoon to aggression very quickly, in order to regain control over his ex-partner. The violence can begin after the separation, be the same as during the relationship or increase in intensity following the separation.

Les intervenantes de la maison Hina sont là pour soutenir les femmes tout au long de ce processus difficile. Elles peuvent aider à planifier des stratégies de protection et un départ sécuritaire si nécessaire. Pour de l’aide, appelez au 450 346-1645

Do you think you need help?

Your ex criticizes you for being a mother

You feel stressed because you never know what will trigger his anger

He threatens to call the DYP so that you lose the children

He accuses you of having a new lover

He texts you or calls you non-stop

He leaves you hateful, intimidating, threatening messages

He makes death threats

He makes you cry

He must have the last word

He pays nothing for children needs or child support

He accuses you of cheating on him

It blocks your access to the exit

He physically intimidates you

He makes you interrogate

He makes demeaning comments about your appearance

He threatens to publish photos (compromising or intimate) of you

You fear for yourself and your children

You are afraid during the exchange of children

If you have recognized in this list the reflection of certain lived situations and you feel sad, confused, worried or angry, it may be useful to remind you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Millions of other women are in the same situation, because violence is a social problem. Call us, we are here for you!

Myths and facts

Myth: You can manage, with a lot of love, to change the violent behavior of your lover.

Reality: The only ones who can change their violent behavior are the persons themselves. Despite all our will and all our love, we cannot make changes for the other.

Myth: Abused women run after, they provoke their partner. They are responsible for their situation.

Reality: Abused women stay with their partner because they love him, believe he will change and they are afraid. They are caught in the cycle of violence.

Myth: Violence in dating relationships is caused by a total loss of control.

Reality: Violence in romantic relationships is due to a partner's desire to impose their power and control their partner. It is therefore a TAKEOVER.

Myth: Only physical violence is real violence, the rest is bullshit.

Reality: Domestic violence has 5 forms: physical, psychological, verbal, economic and sexual violence. The different forms can all be present in a relationship, or only some of them.

Myth: A person is violent because they drink alcohol or use drugs.

Reality: Nothing can justify a person's violent behavior. Violence is a choice that the person makes. By comparison, do you get violent when you have a drink?

Myth: Victims don't talk about what they're going through because they feel good about their relationship.

Reality: Victims may remain silent for a long time because they feel shame, fear and guilt. They may also want to seek to protect their partner, since they love him and hope that he will change.

Myth: Sometimes it was the victim who attracted the attack.

Reality: “Did you see how she was dressed? She looked for it a bit! “, “she should never have walked alone so late at night”, “she kept playing the seducer with him, she had to expect him to have expectations and be impatient”: These are just a few examples of the guilt-inducing remarks that we hear too often in society. Such assertions place a heavy burden on the victims that does not belong to them, while they relieve the aggressor of responsibility.

Myth: Sexual violence occurs, most of the time, by an aggressor who is unknown or little known to us.

Reality: 8 times out of 10, the aggressor is known to the victim, this proportion being higher for young people under 18 (85%) than for adults (68%). 39% of sexual assaults are committed in a home that the victim shares with the aggressor, 16% at the victim's home, 22% at the home of the aggressor, 6.3% in a public place or at school, 4% at work and 1.4% in transport.

Reference : https://www.inspq.qc.ca/agression-sexuelle/statistiques

Myth: If I don't clearly say no to a sexual relationship, it's normal that the other person doesn't know that I didn't want to. So it's not an attack.

Fact: The absence of a “no” does not equal a “yes”. The Canadian Criminal Code stipulates that, for there to be consent, the person must express his agreement by words or gestures. In this sense, “the absence of resistance does not amount to consent”. In addition, consent is an agreement that must be voluntary, free and informed. However, in several cases of sexual violence, the victim may be constrained by fear of reprisals, family breakdown, physical violence, death, etc. A victim may also find themselves in a context that prevents them from consenting.

Myth: Domestic violence is something private, which concerns only the 2 partners of the couple.

Reality: Domestic violence is a social problem that has many consequences for public health. It is rooted in unequal relations between men and women. The promotion of equality as a fundamental value is therefore essential.

What can I do to help a victim of domestic violence?

Listen without judgment

Tell her we believe her and make it heartfelt

Normalize her feelings

Respect her rhythm, do not put pressure on her

Do not impose your vision of her situation on her, but rather bring her to realize it on her own (offer her leaflets, telephone line, online tests)

Make her feel that we are there for her, maintain contact with her if the aggressor wants to isolate her

Not confronting her spouse, it could put her in even more danger

CONTACT US 24/7: 450 346-1645

Domestic violence

Domestic violence